something has been keeping me away

something has been keeping me away. actually two things. actually, three

the first is that I never really expected notes to take off the way it did. I was spending around 3 hours a day between writing a note and replying to comments. I had to step back and really think about how much I can afford to dedicate to notes, with my busy schedule re-structuring .:there for design…

this brings me to reason 2. we’re re-structuring .:there for design… we’ve created a new collaboration workflow, we’re setting up new procedures, and we’ve started documenting everything (past & present). we’re also installing a new centralized file server and a redundant backup solution. all this to give back to the freelancer and entrepreneur community. for now, you can say we’re changing .:there for design… from a closed-off bubble to a network. more details coming in the near future. and reason 3 has been making this very hard to do.

reason 3. and this is something i’ve been struggling with all my life. I constantly go through cycles of hyper-activity and then ‘down’ periods. better known as mild depressions. a dear soul privately replied a while back to one of my notes. she shared that she had bipolar disorder or manic-depressive disorder. I read the symptoms and they turned out to be very familiar-sounding.

for 11 years now I’ve been self-experimenting to get down to the root cause of this. I’ve tried intense extremes from changing food habits, to meditation, to clothing, to changing locations, to travel, etc.

the only thing that I’ve managed to do is to bring down the frequency of the cycle from 1-year-up / 1-year-down, to 2-weeks-up / 2-weeks-down. I don’t know whether this is better or not, theoretically it’s the same proportions. would you rather I disappear for 2 weeks or for a year? I choose 2 weeks. a whole year of depression is unbearable. while 2 weeks of depression break the momentum, and make long-term progress very slow.

lately I realized that my dad probably has it. and my smallest sister probably has it. even more interesting was the realization that they both don’t get much sleep. and neither do I. not because I can’t. because during my ‘hyper’ period, I’d be too excited working away at changing the world, that sleep becomes an afterthought. and I’d sleep 2-4 hours a night max during the hyper period. which led to another realization.

one that I’ve had 3 days ago. when I don’t sleep, I don’t dream. when I dream (like I did 3 days ago) the issues in my head, causing the depressions, get resolved. they get resolved in the dreams themselves. 3 days ago I’ve had 5 dreams in one long night. each dream had a conflict (mostly running away/hiding). and each dream ended with a resolution (me being free). and in the morning, after those dreams, I felt better. a whole lot better.

which brings me to this theory I’m testing out right now. dreaming, at least for people in my shoes, is vital for the chemical balance in our brains. it’s also vital for resolving all those conflicts that happen on a sub-conscious level. conflicts that we’re not even aware of.

and if I can constantly dream out the conflicts and replenish the balancing chemicals in my brain, then I shouldn’t fall into those treacherous cycles. and I call them treacherous because the hyper period keeps me awake and away from the dreams that maintain my sanity. and the depression period makes me want to sleep all the time, which over-replenishes the chemicals, and leads to the hyper period, and yet another cycle.

that’s my theory at least. so during this experiment, I will sleep constantly and steadily sleep at around 8 or 9 pm and wake up naturally when my body wakes up. and especially during my hyper period, no matter how exciting the work. I will also sleep whenever my body/mind calls for it.

we’ll see, if after 11 years of experimenting, I’m finally on to something. I’ll let you know.

yours, will

twitter: @williamchoukeir

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13 Responses to something has been keeping me away

  1. Anonymous says:

    thanks for opening up as usual.. for me its not sleeping phase then sleeping too much might sound logical in terms of compensation but it really isn’t a balanced way of life esp if your body tells u so explicitly.. hmm dreams. i wonder.. i always dream half-asleep its more like thinking but in a dream ๐Ÿ™‚ ok no conclusions here just read this nice post and wanted to think out loud before i sleep.. sweet dreams, Will ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Anonymous says:

    <div dir="ltr">thanks lina. happy to hear from you :-)<br><br></div>

  3. Joseph Maalouf says:

    Wow, I really admire your forwardness when it comes to your experiences. Some people would rather keep it to themselves. Good luck with your experimentation.And I’m glad there for design is upgrading, and I agree regarding it being a closed-off bubble. Looking forward to seeing it in it’s new form.Best of luck William!

  4. Anonymous says:

    <div dir="ltr">thank you joseph. we're also excited to announcing .:there for design… in its new form.<br><br></div>

  5. Andrew says:

    What if you could consciously create your dreams to produce resolutions?

  6. krystel says:

    just wanted to join in and say sweet dreams then Will :)much love…

  7. Sara S. says:

    ………I wanted to comment so badly. Then I realized no words would suffice. I am overwhelmed with inspiration, not merely by the realization which puts into perspective a lot of things for those that have been a part of your life, but also by your life’s journey. Can I just send you love instead?All my love.

  8. Anonymous says:

    <div dir="ltr">thank you sara for your love.<br><br></div>

  9. Anonymous says:

    @andrew: thanks for the suggestion. the problem is that i’m not consciously aware of what’s causing the problem. i would consciously create dreams that would resolve issues, if i know what these issues are. i don’t.

  10. Samer N. says:

    Hey Will!Make sure you check out It might not be very sophisticated but it’s worth a shot. I hope to see you soon!S.N.

  11. Anonymous says:

    <div dir="ltr">thanks samer, that's great.<div>hope to see you soon as well.</div><div>been trying out a self-help technique called PMA,</div><div>so far so good, i'll keep you posted.<br><br></div></div>

  12. natalie says:

    hey william … it sort of made me sad to read this post. My friend was diagnosed with being bi-polar not too long ago, but then it was realized that they diagnosed too early and she had something else..then something else.. even though it definitely sounds like bipolar don’t be so quick to diagnose yourself or others. furthermore…as far as not knowing what is spurring all this, have you ever studied or looked into chakras? it might help you to study this to dig into your past and see what comes up that may be affecting you in such a way… or some natural remedies versus medication? living in a cycle, is not really a way to live at all!!

  13. Anonymous says:

    <div dir="ltr">thanks nat :-)<div>i believe it's great advice regarding not to diagnose too quickly.</div><div>i don't really believe in those labels anyways.</div><div>i only use them to benefit from the experience of others.</div> <div>i'm making good progress i believe with something i'm trying now.</div><div>i'll keep you posted.??</div><div>if that fails, i'll try shakras.</div><div>thanks again.</div><div><br></div></div>

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